Do you put yourself down, call yourself names? Come on … I know you do. We all do, some of us more than others. If you read one of my earlier posts  you saw the very real damage this does, not just to our sense of self and who we are (bad enough), but to our actual physical health and the energetic resources we run on. No wonder so many people feel depleted – like they’re running on empty.

Negating Self

So what does this really mean? The more chronic our self-belittling thoughts, feelings and words, the greater the toll. Have you ever yelled at a dog and watched him slink away? Have you noticed how he caves into himself, makes himself really small, tail tucked between his legs, eyes pleading “love me, love me”? And if we still yell, and tell him he’s bad … the way he slinks off to a corner and tries to make himself really small and hide? Well, that’s a bit of what happens when we yell at ourselves. A part of us shrinks and becomes very small. Energetically we shrink as well. A previous blog post (link) illustrates the damage even 5 minutes of self-belittlement and anger can do.

the bigger our anger the more our sense of self shrinks

When our energy gets depleted, so do our resources, our sense of well-being, and ultimately our sense of self. It becomes harder to function, harder to think clearly or perform at our best, easier to feel overwhelmed. This is a downward spiral. The more we pummel ourselves, the worse we feel. The worse we feel, the more we pummel ourselves. We lose any ounce of perspective we might have had and beat ourselves up even more. We go into free-fall, tumbling further down the rabbit hole of self-loathing and all the beliefs that fuel it. “I’m worthless“, “I can’t do anything right“ … you know the routine. Down and down you tumble; anxiety takes over, and despair. We feel stressed, we are stressed, and everything around us is stressful.

The Damage

self_in_a_boxopens IMAGE file

Our mental-emotional health suffers, and with it physical health. Worst of all, our soul – the deepest core of our being – suffers as well. The more we belittle ourselves and believe the voices in our head that tell ourselves we’re not okay, the more our soul shrinks. Our soul needs love and self-compassion to thrive; when we feast instead on self-judgment, self-anger and loathing the more our soul starves, and the more anorexic it becomes.

Early Beliefs, Out-dated Maps

Don’t beat yourself up about it … that’s the tendency, and that just adds to the problem. You can learn to clear old core beliefs, and in the process shift your sense of who you are, but you are not responsible for the beliefs forming in the first place. These beliefs formed a long time ago as you tried to make sense of your experience and what it meant to be you. The vast majority of these beliefs are pre-verbal, and formed as felt sense impressions … meaning came later. These early beliefs shaped your core sense of self.

They also shaped the way you saw the world and experienced it, further confirming these beliefs. Not your fault … you’re hard-wired that way. Before you knew it, you had a map that described who you are, how you are, and how your world is.

You’re not okay unless ….

To further complicate things, we’re also surrounded by a barrage of messages from both culture and media telling us we’re not okay unless we do this, or buy that. Buy this and your life will be better, do that and you will be thinner, smarter, more attractive, richer … you name it. Some of these messages are well-meaning, of course, some designed to take your money; none the less, the underlying meaning is always the same: you are not okay the way you are.

I get over a dozen emails a day insisting that I won’t be successful or rich or happy unless I sign up for the latest course or program. A constant harangue preying on those with a shaky sense of self – subtle and not so subtle messages bombard those who already feel less than, and not good enough. No wonders so many have such a distorted and shrinking sense of self.

 

One more thing … it’s easy to feel okay about yourself until things don’t go so well. That’s when the old stuff really starts to shout. Your okay-ness is often pegged to external circumstances. When things go well at work, or your sweetie showers you with love you feel full. But what about when things don’t go so well? Can you still feel okay about yourself when you mess up at work, or fail at some endeavor? What about when your partner is mad at you? Our distorted sense of self comes full front and center then, and clearly makes itself known.

 

The Way Out

The way out of this soul anorexia is simple, although not always easy. Start feeding your soul, your Self with the truth about who you are (not the old negative beliefs that are the defaults). Be kind to yourself, be loving. Smile internally. Look for victories even if you feel failure. Celebrate yourself, and learn to really feel what that feels like in your body. Learn to stop those automatic thoughts and feelings … be gentle and compassionate with yourself. That’s a good start. More in future blogs.

For more information on how to free yourself and discover who you really are (instead of who you believe yourself to be) drop me a line.

 

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